You Can Still Wear Cute Shoes!

I am looking forward to going through this new book (You Can Still Wear Cute Shoes and other Great Advice from an Unlikely Preacher's Wife) with our staff wives. It is written by Lisa McKay of "A Preacher's Wife" blog fame.

I am always quick to share what a blessing it is to be called together with my husband to serve as pastors, but there are some unique things about being pastors that one just can't understand unless you've been called to walk that road. That's why it's always good when the staff wives get together; we can be a safe place for one another and we can celebrate and commiserate together. I know this book will spur some great conversations among us!

If you are interested in giving this book to a pastor's wife that you know, you can go the LifeWay Website or Amazon.com to purchase it. You can also enter a pastor's wife you know to win a giveaway by visiting HERE.

Oh, and now that we staff wives have been given permission to wear cute shoes, we are open to shopping with you fashionistas out there who have undoubtedly seen the state of our foot apparel. :-)

"How do you do it?" cont.

I wanted to continue my thoughts in relation to the question asked of me a few months ago that I previously posted about.

My life may look perfect from a distance, and indeed, I am truly blessed. My prayer is that everyone that sees my life recognizes that any good in my life or in me comes from God, and I pray that they see Him and that HE is glorified.

While still in college, after I truly committed my life to the Lord at age 20, I began making decision after decision that brought me and my life into greater alignment with His Word (truly seeking to be faithful in the little things), and God has blessed my feeble attempts to live for Him. However, as a young believer, I went back and forth between the faith I wanted so desperately to have and the life I had been living for myself with all its chaos, destruction, and hopelessness. Heck, this is still a struggle for all of us sometimes, isn't it?

Anyway, what I am going to share next is not a cry for validation, sympathy, or help. God has redeemed every area that I am about to share with you. Through Christ, I have been forgiven of every sin and set free from everything that wanted to enslave me. And that is the reason I don't like it when someone thinks that I've lived or have a perfect life. I don't deserve to be on any pedestal, believe me, and just so you know, I've never climbed up on a pedestal because that's not where I want or deserve to be. :-)

As a child, I grew up in an alcoholic home, and I know the chaos, confusion, and pain that it causes. I am a child of divorce and understand being raised by a single mother (who did the best job EVER as a parent). She worked hard and sacrificed MUCH to keep us in our home and raise us alone. I was molested for years, and I didn't feel like I could set boundaries with others later in life because I was too scared to say "No." I actually didn’t even know I could say, “No.” I understand and know the devastation and power of secrets. I began drinking in high school and would drink because I didn't know what to do with my feelings and pain. I know what it's like to live life one way during the day, and another way at night. I understand depression and extreme self-condemnation. I have lived through betrayal and the pain and damage of emotional/verbal abuse from a man I thought I loved. I thank God for saving me from a life that would have caused me to be a divorced, single mom by now. I understand trying to sabotage a good and healthy relationship because I knew I didn't deserve it. I broke up with Dave while we were dating because I knew he deserved someone far better and holier than me. We struggled with infertility (I know with having four kids that no one probably believes that), and we lost our first baby through a miscarriage. I've made (and continue to make) mistakes as a wife and mother that have caused pain or hurt to my husband and children.

You may look at my life as you see it now and not know all the events that molded and created me to be the person I am today. Because of God's Word, His grace, hard work, counseling, prayer, and sometimes just the act of taking another step, these situations no longer have power over me, and the shame I carried for so long is gone. I have received grace and healing. I still struggle with some issues, especially when I haven't had enough sleep or I allow myself to get overly stressed, but I don't live with secrets anymore.

So you see, I sit in the front row on Sunday mornings with Dave simply as a woman who loves God and wants to live for Him. I don't do that perfectly, but I want to do it honestly. I'm sorry if there is something that I do that makes it seem like I'm not real, and regrettably I can't know everyone personally who calls New Life home, but that doesn't mean I don't want to know you. I would love for everyone to know the real me, and to also know and experience the hope and forgiveness that I have found in Jesus.

I am reminded of this verse from 1 Thes. 2:8 "We felt so strongly about you that we were determined to share with you not only the Good News of God but also our lives. That’s how dear you were to us!"

You are dear to me, even if I don’t know you well, so I will continue to endeavor to share my life with you, as I continue to hold out the hope of the Good News of Jesus Christ. No, I can't get up on Sunday morning each week to state who I am just so people won't have a wrong impression of me, but it's not about me anyway. I just want everyone to know that I am approachable and understanding. Don't shy away from me because you think I can't understand where you might be coming from, and especially don't judge yourself against who you think me to be. I am on this journey with you.

So this, then, is how I do "it." I keep going, trying to learn to relax more and more into His love, and to live authentically before God and man.

I thank you for being a part of my journey and ask you to continue traveling together with me.

"How do you do it?"

This question stopped me in my tracks as I was leaving the women's lobby area in the restroom at church. I was already at the door, pulling it open, when the quiet voice behind me wearily whispered these words, "How do you do it?"

At first, I wasn't sure the woman was speaking to me, but as I turned around, I realized there was no one else in the room.

"Excuse me?" I said.

And she repeated, "How do you do it?"

"How do I do what?" I asked, genuinely not knowing what she was referring to.

"How you do it all? How do you get up and get here every Sunday, looking all put together, with good kids and a good marriage? How do you get it all done and do it so well?" she asked.

If she hadn't been so sincere (with a sigh of hopelessness in her voice), I would probably have laughed out loud and said, "Are you talking about ME?" because I couldn't for the life of me figure out how she thought that I had it all together. Although I knew this woman as an acquaintance, we had never had a true conversation. She looked at me and compared herself and her struggles to who she thought me to be.

"You don't know me very well," I said, "because if you did, you'd know that some days are a struggle. I don't do "it" very well much of the time."

We women have a tendency to compare ourselves to others. This woman mistakenly believed that because she sees me sitting in the front row of church with Dave that she knows what my life is (and has been) like.  She did what so many of us do; we assume everyone else has it more together than we do. We think we just don't measure up.

In case you were wondering, just because I'm married to a pastor doesn't mean that I have it all together, and I'm usually the first to try to dispel that notion. Sitting in the front row on Sunday mornings with my husband doesn't give anyone a true picture of who I am and what my life is like, just as seeing others at church doesn't give me a true glimpse into who they are. Seeing me at church for one hour on Sundays might make it easy to believe that my life is perfect and that I can't understand where others might be coming from.

Pastor's wives can find it difficult for people know who they really are because they can't always personally know everyone who goes to their churches.

I can't get up and spill each and every detail of my life every Sunday just so people won't make assumptions about me.

This topic came up a couple of days ago when I was at lunch with a friend of mine. We don't know each other all that well, and something came up that she didn't realize was an issue I have had to deal with. I shared that I don't keep those things secret, but I wonder, how do I let people know that I understand pain and struggle without wearing a sign that tells everyone up front what issues I have faced or am facing? 

Don't get me wrong; I am a living testament to the goodness, power, and love of God and the life-change that He makes possible, and I thank Him for the many, many blessings He has poured out on me, my marriage, and my family in spite of me. But...... my life isn't (and hasn't been) perfect. I am definitely not complaining, but I regret that people may look at me and think that I don't understand how hard life can be, that I can't sympathize with where they are, and that I have it all together.  

My dear friend, I am just a fellow traveler on this journey.  No one has "arrived" and we are ALL becoming.  

How do I do it? Well, I'll share some things in next couple of posts, but for now, this was the suggestion of my friend....

You should just show up at church with your hair all ratty and uneven. :-)

Is that all it would take? If so, perhaps I should try it sometime.

I Love These Gals! (Now that we're grownups, I guess I should say, "women," but that doesn't sound nearly as fun!)

I truly believe that we can learn something from everyone we encounter in life, not just what we shouldn't do and be, but also what we can do and be. We often don't look closely enough at people in our lives to put ourselves in a position of learning, but if we will stop and think, really think, there are lessons God will use to transform us more into his likeness.

Once a month, we staff wives get together for a time a sharing and fun. It occurred to me when we were together last time sitting around a table at Starbucks that I have learned so much from each of them; each one is a beautiful woman, filled with the spirit, who brings joy and a smile to my heart when I see her or think of her. They live out Christ's love, day in and day out, serving in ways no one else (but God) will ever see. I sit with these beautiful women, and I think, "They are such gifts in my life!"

I have learned (and continue to learn) so much from each one of the staff wives, or more aptly, my friends. From Tricia, I have learned the value and joy of the spontaneous, heartfelt "I love you." From Sherri, I have learned greater compassion and empathy. And Jennah? Well, from Jennah, I have learned how to be real and accept others as they are. A deep, quiet understanding of grace has been Cheri's lesson to me. And from Cindi, I has seen encouragement in action and learned the value of random acts of kindness and a smile.

I pray for each of these women, their husbands, and their families, and I invite you all to pray for them also.

Pray that the Lord will continue to bless them and meet their every need. Ask God to pour His grace, peace, and love over them and their families. Pray that their marriages would be protected from the schemes of the evil one who seeks to divide and destroy. Pray safety for their families. Pray that they will continue to seek the Lord, first and foremost, to meet their deepest needs and to become the women He has created them to be. And pray that they would be blessed as greatly as they have blessed others.

Well, today is off to a great start! Dave and I are home alone (how often does that happen?), and we've had time to have our devotions, read the paper, drink some coffee, and relax without any interruptions. (That's the reason I am able to get a post written today, and also the reason why I don't get posts written more often.)

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day! This day is subtitled, "A Day of Service," so how can we serve someone else today? I think pondering that question is a great way to start the day.

Me, too!

I had two different people tell me this week that they had put me "on a pedestal." I find that so funny because if people know anything about me and my life, there is no question about my not belonging on a pedestal. And I seriously wonder what I do that makes people feel like I don't struggle with the things others struggle with. I don't understand the thinking that because I'm married to a pastor, I'm somehow different as a woman than every other woman. And...when someone makes the effort to tell you that they HAD placed you on a pedestal, that means they no longer think you belong there! It means that somehow I failed in some area that they noticed, so they rethought their opinion of me. I am choosing to take that in the most positive light, because it can seem negative if thought about too long. :-) (Both times this week, I believe the women were being positive in their remarks, stating that it gave them comfort to know I'm just like them.)

I'm not sure how to keep people from placing me in a position I don't belong. It is not appropriate (or safe, or possible, or wise) for me to share all of my past sin, hurts, and current struggles with each new person I meet, but it seems that unless I do that, I look like I'm trying to show that I have it all together and have a perfect life. I never try to purposely present an image that is not who I really am, and I sometimes even look for ways to present how NOT perfect I am so that others will sense a bond with me and feel safe to not be perfect themselves.

I listened to a woman speak the other day and she said, "The two most comforting words in the English language are, 'Me, too." Don't you just love that?!

I am calling for all women to be real and to let others know, "Me, too." Remember, we are all on this journey together, and I think, "Me, too," is the motto that will bind us together in unity as we strive to walk in His ways and to fulfill His purposes.