I had a bad day last Friday, and just couldn't post about it until today. A couple of you have been "blessed" enough to know of it, but a thought from that day is hanging on and won't let go. It's weird; I feel it inside and know that it is something I am to do something about.
I was so tired that I crashed late Friday afternoon. It had been a horrendously busy week, and it didn't help that I wasn't feeling well; it seems that my cough which started at the end of July with my sinus infection just won't go away, and I am still struggling with sinus/ear issues. I had been up late (way too late) every night last week; I had to be at work extra days; we had something every night; blah, blah, blah..... :-)
So, I came home from my school's Junior High Fall Fling on Friday afternoon and fell into bed. I just could not go anymore! Believe it or not, I was in bed for four hours, drifting in and out of a restless, dreamlike sleep state. It was during one of those half lucid moments (I think:-) that the thought penetrated straight through the haze: "I'm not living my life in alignment with my priorities." It was crystal clear in that instant, and I knew it was truth!
I think I've pushed away those thoughts for so long now because there are so many needs to meet that I simply don't know what else to say, "No," to. I've said, "No," to lots of things already; how do I possibly simplify even further? Some things in my life just ARE because I am blessed with a husband, four kids, a home, a ministry with Dave, a job ( which is also a ministry), and all of my relationships. I can't change any of that, and I don't want to, but I do need to find a way to live in greater balance. I am currently not exercising like I should be because I have meetings on almost every morning I am not at work, and my evenings are either busy outside my home, or busy with homework, cleaning, dinner, laundry, etc... I'm not meeting my family's needs as I'd like to; I don't have time for relationships, and the relationships I do make time for turn out to feel like "meetings," because they are scheduled into time slots. I often feel like it must seem as if we're stuck up or something when someone calls to get together and we have to look six to eight weeks down the road. Something is just wrong about that, and I don't want to live that way. I do know that being pastors gives us the blessing of lots of relationships, and I count it a privilege to know (well, at least be acquainted with) so many great people. However, there is no way we can get together one on one with everyone we would like to. I feel a constant regret over that, and I have to be careful that it doesn't spill over into condemnation for all that I cannot do. It's frustrating, to be honest.
Anyway, on Sunday, I was at lunch with a couple of friends to celebrate one of their birthdays. After sharing about my piercing thought (my life is not in alignment) and my other feelings about it and my life, one friend wisely said, "It sounds like there's an awful lot of indicators (about what you should do)." It stopped me short. She was right, and it has me thinking and praying.
I have some friends praying for clarity for me, and I will continue to pray that for myself. I know God will give me what I need to do what He has for me to do, but sometimes that purpose seems foggy. I keep putting one foot in front of another and praying that it is the "right" next step. I remember that saying, "Just do the next right thing." That's how I'm getting through my days, and I have to trust that the Lord will clearly reveal when I am to do something different. For now, I'm praying and waiting, and I'm longing to obey what He speaks through His Word, His people, and my circumstances.