Saturday, October 11, 2008

My Heart Trusts in Him

There come those times in all of our lives when we need to step away from things for whatever reason. This past two months has been one of those times for me, and I have truly felt no prompting to write anything on my blog. In fact, deciding not to blog, although difficult at first, has become increasingly easier. And yet, I do not feel free to close this blog down. The problem becomes, "After so long of not blogging, how do I step back in? Are explanations needed? Do I try to catch everyone up on what's happened the last two months? Is there anyone still checking in? Lord, am I released from posting on this blog yet? Where do I start?"

Questions, questions, questions! And I am quite sure that I don't have the answers for all of them, which is not unusual for me. I find that as I grow in the Lord, however, I am increasingly more comfortable with questions; everything does not have to be tied up in neat little bows. And that brings me to the last two months. There is no way to summarize and share what these last two months were about in uniform little boxes with bows. It's not that tidy. And you know what? That's okay.

There's a comment I get every now and again that I'd like to address. Sometimes, someone will tell me that they have been reading my blog, and then they add something like, "I would never want to have everybody knowing what I am doing," or "I just can't be that public about my life."  I can understand where these individuals are coming from; I have had those same thoughts myself, and I feel that way many, many times. I started blogging for some very specific reasons
(you can read that post HERE), and then I stopped posting on my blog for some very specific reasons.

I want to state for the record that on my blog I only share what I feel is safe for me to share in such a public forum. Yes, I share from my personal life, but not if I feel it is something that will violate myself or my husband or my children. I think about everything I post, and there is PLENTY (in fact, LOTS) that I don't (and won't) post about my life. There are precious and sacred moments that would lose their meaning if they were shared with whoever decides to stop on over at this blog. There are conversations and situations with friends and people in the church that are confidential.  There are treasured memories and special times that I would not want some people reading about. I mean think about it, old high school friends, former co-workers, college acquaintances, previous boyfriends, people who have left the church, people who don't like me, my family (wink), and any ol' body in the world could stop by here anytime, so I don't post anything that I wouldn't want any of them to know. So....if it's posted here, I have made a conscious and prayerful decision that it was okay to share what is posted.  And....although it is easy to live a closed life, I feel God is calling us to a harder (and much more rewarding) path of living open and authentic lives.  I know I've
shared this before, but some lines from a country song have become a prayerful desire - "I will leave my heart wide open; I will love and have no fear."  

With that being said, I am choosing to share that the past two months have been a struggle for me for various reasons. As I've pondered how to step back into posting on this blog, I feel I am able to share that I have been struggling with depression. (That's not unusual for a melancholy person like myself.)  I don't feel compelled to share more specifics about that, but I know that many, many women have struggled with exactly the same thing, and yet we will all keep doing what we do and we feel like we're the only one slogging through foggy days of disengagement, sadness, feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. Much of my struggle had to do with the expectations I had placed upon myself, and I felt the Lord speak to my heart that it was okay to step back and be quiet for a little while.   

And so, here I find myself two months later, gingerly stepping out, trying to live with my heart wide open.  I am tempted to pull it all back in and take the easy way out (I'd feel much less vulnerable that way - smiley face), but as I said, God is calling me to the much harder path of living with an open heart.  My heart is again open to posting on this blog until such time as the Lord makes it clear that I am to give it up.  I will not be pressured by my own expectations of perpetual posting of perfectly polished pieces (alliteration gone wild!).  I will simply continue to be myself, and if anyone reads or not, I will obey what I feel the Lord is calling me to.  

The LORD is
my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. Psalms 28:7 (NIV)  

I am so grateful today.


Anonymous said...

I am so blessed by your willingness to obey your heart and in doing so you strengthen me.Far too many people are struggling with things like depression, anxiety, and panic disorders(to name a few)and they are living in added fears that it will be perceived as lack of faith and/or a number of equally painful labels. Thank you for being a gentle guiding light for others so they can know that they're not alone and it's ok to share their struggles and pain with others. We can't truly be free in Christ, if we can't be free to be real with others. Becoming in me in Him. Mari

Gini said...

Your ability to so openly express your struggle with depression leaves me in awe! I too put so many expectations upon myself......we are human and need to have realistic expectations of ourselves. You are a giving, warm, wonderful person. May your open communication allow others to reach out...including myself.

blessedmommie said...

Love you and welcome back. I am one that keeps checking in when I can because I miss you. :) Thank you for sharing, as always, from your genuine and thoughtful heart.

Gena Larson said...

Thanks for your most kind comments. All of you are people that I treasure and respect, so your comments mean so much. Thanks for doing me the honor of checking in here; I am blessed and humbled.