The Older Woman

I don't know how it happened, but all of a sudden, I am an "older woman." I guess turning 48, being married for 26 years, and having children ages 21 through 12 - well, let's just say those numbers seemed to step right up and slap me in the face!

I may be older, but surely, I'm not the "older woman" that's supposed to mentor other younger women, right? You know, the older woman that is supposed to possess wisdom gleaned through years of living as a faithful wife and loving mother; the one who supposedly knows how to make and keep a home; the one who should know and obey the still, small voice of the Lord above all others; the one who is now comfortable in her own skin; the one who has stepped beyond her doubts and anxieties into the wide open spaces of peace and contentment.

I guess what I'm saying is that older does not necessarily mean wiser or more mature, sometimes it just means older. Or at least that's how I feel. I've come to realize, though, that by simply surviving for these 48 years, I've been through some experiences and learned some things from God's word that I can now share with someone who might need to hear it.

This body of mine is showing its age, reminding me that I am not as young as I think I am. I still struggle with insecurities and feel like a little girl that doesn't know what to do at times. I often wonder if what I think I'm hearing from the Lord isn't really just my own thoughts. And Lord knows......I don't have the "keeping a house" thing down. Yep; I may have lived more days than someone else, but I sure don't feel that mature in many areas of my life.

However......in the last year, God has shown me that I have grown in maturity in some areas. I don't always see it because I'm just doing my best to live my life day by day, trying to walk in His ways. I find myself stumbling now and again, more often than I'd like sometimes. Without even realizing it, though, I have learned a few things along the way that I've adopted into my life, and there have been a few times lately when the Lord has allowed me to share those things with someone "younger" than me. These things don't seem like new thoughts, or even wise thoughts, to me when I share them, but I have seen from the look on these gals' faces that it is a new thought for them. Hmmm.....it's good to realize that just persevering on this journey of life gradually brings its own amount of wisdom - wisdom gained through time, experiences, and God's Word. I'm still here, so I guess it's to be expected that I've gained a little bit of knowledge (and hopefully some compassion) that God will use to encourage or instruct someone else.

I am simply called to humble myself before God and allow Him to work through me in whatever way He chooses. Sometimes, that means sharing a little bit about something I've gone through in life that might encourage or help someone else. I may still sometimes feel like a little girl or that I don't have it all together, but really.....I'll always feel that way on this side of heaven. And that's okay.

Why Truth is Beautiful - by Mary DeMuth

Mary DeMuth is an author and her Inside Renewal monthly ezine contained this article that echoes what those of us at retreat caught a glimpse of. Number eleven specifically talks about taking off masks (the theme of this year's retreat). Even if you didn't attend the retreat, I think you'll benefit from what Mary shares. I agree whole-heartedly.

If you are interested in her blog, you can click HERE, and if you're interested in her website, you can click HERE. You might remember my blog posts about her book, Authentic Parenting in a Postmodern Culture, (Post 1, Post 2, Post 3, Post 4)but she has also written many fiction books. You can check all that out at her blog.

Why Truth is Beautiful. I've had a flood of reader mail, which has really blessed me. It occurred to me that honest, authentic writing changes folks. Truth, raw and redemptive, sets people free. Culled from my inbox, here are twenty reasons why Truth is beautiful: When we tell the truth about our stories, others don't feel alone anymore. When we share our foibles in light of God's truth, we realize we are small but God is big. The beauty of redemption shines all the brighter on a dark canvas. (So saying it like it is doesn't negate God's intersection, it highlights it.) Telling or writing the truth frees us and others from the people-pleasing trap. When we share our stories, we give others the chance to grieve their own in an open way. Truth opens up emotions we once thought buried. The truth, when written humbly, shines the light on people's sins in an invitational, grace-oriented way. Truth helps us be accountable to our brothers and sisters in Christ. Truth obliterates the power of sin in my life when I share it. Being an authentic communicator invites others into shared community. Writing or telling the truth makes us real and it strips us of a performance-based Christianity. Truth rips down masks (in the best possible way). When we point to truth, we remember that Truth personified is Jesus. When we speak the truth in love, we show a friend that we genuinely care. We're willing to risk a temporary lapse in relationship for the sake of our friend's better good and holiness. Telling the truth is spiritual warfare. Since Satan is the father of lies and speaks lies as his native language, truth-telling renders him speechless. Truth is refreshing. Truth is contagious. When you share it, you invite others to follow you. You can start a revolution of disclosure. People trust a truth teller. If you're passionate about something, being truthful endears you to your audience. They trust what you're saying and are more apt to join you in your passion. Telling the truth is safe. You don't have to worry about contradicting yourself or trying to remember who you told what to. Being a truth teller helps you look yourself in the mirror and not be ashamed. What about you? Why, in your opinion, is truth beautiful? (And why are lies destructive?)

Consider This

I don't have a lot to share today, but I heard a quote from a fellow in our small group last night that will simply not leave my brain. I think it's profound and we all decided that there is enough in this one statement that it could be a sermon. Our small group discussion time was awesome last night; I appreciate the honest sharing from each person.

Consider this:

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a different past."

Some of my thoughts about this quote:

• I don't know that I would say "giving up all hope," but to me it means accepting that we cannot change the past or a decision no matter how much we would like to.
• The "different past" could be my own decisions and sin, but it could also be the actions, words, and sin of another who hurt me. No matter how much I wish that person wouldn't have said this, done that, or hurt me in whatever way, it is what it is. I am doing myself no favor by holding on to unforgiveness - hoping for a different situation to have occurred.
• As has been said, "Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die." It doesn't work that way, when we don't forgive, we are the one that whithers and dies.
• Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. I know there are things in my past that I would love to go back and do over (responded differently, chosen better, not done, etc...), but I need to give up all hope of having done something differently and choose to forgive myself. If I say I accept God's forgiveness after confessing and repenting of my sin, I am, in a sense, turning my back on His gift if I don't forgive myself.
• I can't move forward in life unless I deal with areas of unforgiveness towards myself.
• And concerning unforgiveness towards others: even if a person(s) doesn't ask for forgiveness or acknowledge how they have hurt or damaged me or a relationship, I can make a choice to release them from my desire for justice. It does me no good to spend my time and life hoping that they will own up to their part in a hurtful situation. If I choose to forgive, I give myself permission to move forward. I will allow God to deal with that individual or persons, and even if I don't see any movement on their part towards accepting their part in a situation, I can be free from obsessing on the fact that I was wronged/hurt/etc...
• Forgiveness can sometimes be a process. We must make A CONSCIOUS CHOICE to forgive, and then when our emotions bring that situation back to mind with all those same, old feelings, we can CHOOSE AGAIN to forgive. We may have to do that many times at first, but as God allows us to experience His forgiveness immediately each and every time we need it, we can learn and move towards those times being farther and farther apart when those feeling rear their ugly heads.

Okay, forgiveness is a big, ol' subject, and I didn't start this post to address every issue regarding the topic, but I did want you to ponder my friend's statement:

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a different past."

Food for Thought

Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn.

The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices

and the acceptance of love back in our hearts.

Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth.

To be consciously aware of it,

to experience love in ourselves and others,

is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things.

Meaning lies in us.

Marianne Williamson

Summer Hiatus

My Beautiful Children

*Pic Removed per K's request.

In an attempt to actually interact with my children, I will be taking a break from posting for the summer.  Unless something truly interesting happens (which, face it,  99.95% of my blog posts have not been about anything interesting), I won't be posting.  I also will not be checking my email regularly; I plan to pick one day a week to check my emails (by then I'll have hundreds, but oh well).  So.......if you would like to contact me, you'll have the old-fashioned choices of either picking up the phone to call me or (horror of horrors) writing me a letter and sending it snail mail.

As I step away, I will be in prayer regarding whether this blog is something that will continue.  I was only doing this blog as a step of obedience to what I felt the Lord was calling me to do two years ago, but I know for certain that His plan for me was NOT to abandon my children as I became more and more addicted to checking my email and keeping up with blogs (both mine and others).  As my children grow and go forth into their lives, they won't remember if I answered every last email or text, or if I kept up with posting or reading the many blogs I've come to enjoy, or if I always had some witty, little saying for my facebook status, or if I cared about twittering, blackberries, instant messaging, or online devotionals.  But my children will remember if I took the time to play that game of Sorry, or to walk to the library, or to read out loud to them, or to visit family, or to swim, or to roast marshmallows, or to just sit down face to face with them and really, I mean REALLY, listen to them.  

I am ashamed to say how long it's been since I've given myself to my kids.  I meet needs (sometimes); I wash clothes and buy groceries; and I'm in the same house with them, but I am not WITH them.  There is great value in being fully present in the here and now, and I'll be really honest and just tell you that that is a struggle for me and how my brain is wired.    I don't care where I am or who I'm with, my brain is going a hundred miles an hour, thinking of anything and everything except just enjoying the current moment.  Lack of engagement (disconnect) is also a part of my battle with depression.  I am praying that the Lord will help me to be able to change and overcome this.  I would covet your prayers regarding this issue.  

I am the only mother that will be standing before God accounting for the training, parenting, and loving of the  four precious children He has given me.  I don't think I will hear "Well done," if I have neglected my husband and children because of my over-involvement with keeping up with emails and blogs.  I am choosing to step out of the technology fast lane (well, with me and technology, it's more like stepping out of the right hand, slow lane on the freeway, but you get the point).  

I am feeling such a sense of empowerment by making this choice, but I also wonder about those who may email me and not get a response right away.  I do not have an "auto respond" with my email address, so I don't know how to let people know I'm not being rude, but that I'm only checking my emails once a week.  I know that others have become accustomed to me checking my emails multiple times a day, but I just don't want to do that anymore.  I think I have "Disconnect Anxiety,"  which is an actual disorder now, I guess.  Click the link for a very interesting article that I just found when writing this post.  I guess the pain of continuing to be chained to my email and computer is more than my worry and anxiety about hurting someone's feelings or missing something important.  

So, my friend, I bid you goodbye for the summer.  If you have children, please join me in evaluating the amount of time you spend being with your kids, but not WITH your kids.  

Thanks for joining me in the journey for these last two years.  I consider it an honor that you have given some of the measured moments of your life to traveling this path with me.  I most earnestly pray blessings, peace, and health for you all.  

In His name and for His glory,

Gena

Oh, and in case you think I'm overstating the case that my family needs me to be more attentive and involved with them, just take a look at this.
*Pic Removed per K's request.

*Pic Removed per K's request.

*Pic Removed per K's request.

Yeah, I thought that would help you understand.  :-)

Words of Life & Mish Mash Monday

• If you have the time, Beth Moore wrote devotional for Life Today, and it would be well worth your read.  You can check it out HERE.  
  
• It was so exciting to hear about Jimmy Webb's cross country trek to raise money and awareness for Teen Challenge.  You can check out his progress on his blog HERE.  I love that he and Cindy have a quote of the day at the top of the posts.
• Dave would love for me to use iCal (a computer calendar system that lets us sync our individual calendars), but it just means extra work for me.   I take my regular calendar with me everywhere to be able to make appointments and so forth, and then he wants me to come home, get on the computer, open the program, and put all those events on iCal.  And.....I usually have many more events on my calendar because I am coordinating my schedule along with all the kids events.  I've tried, really, I have, but it's a constant struggle for me and I really don't like having my calendar only on my computer.  I'm old fashioned, I know, but I like a hard copy that's easy to take with me.  Coordinating our schedules and keeping one another informed of our various activities, meetings, and events has been a pretty constant struggle for us throughout our marriage.  How are you all handling that?
• Loving this weather!  I guess the warm weather is on the way, though.
• Missing my Hannie.
• Praying that I can get my life more in alignment with Philippians 2:3-8.  Dave spoke on these verses on Sunday.  My "attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus."  Ouch.   Wish I could say that was true of me all the time, but I'm asking God to help me grow in that area.  How about you?
• Happy Monday to you all.

A Long Time Coming

This post has needed to be written for a long time now.  I’ve started it a couple of times, only to erase it all because I just couldn’t find the words to finish it.  I’ve gone over and over what to say and how to say it, and I haven’t sensed any divine revelation, so I’m just going to wing it here. 

You see, God has begun a mighty change in me and I find that for every step forward in faith, I take two steps back with fear and insecurity.   I am embarrassed to write this post, to some degree, because I have to share a message that God has been trying to smack into me for quite some time.  Okay, just being honest here, it’s been years that He’s been trying to break through to me in this area. 

A couple of months ago, unbeknownst to me, a friend and fellow staff wife got a little bug up her sleeve to have a surprise for me at our Women’s Retreat.  Many of you wrote wonderful and beautiful cards to me and, embarrassingly, gave of your hard earned money towards a gift for me – me of all people! 

The last day of the retreat, my friend, Tricia, called me up to the front.  I had no idea as to why she was calling me up there, and she proceeded to say some things that I can’t quite remember.  (When I am standing in front of a group of grown ups, I usually have a sort of “out of body” experience because I am so embarrassed and insecure to be there).

The gift of the cards was such a sweet and unexpected surprise, and I was touched that so many women would make the time to write me a card.  I was full to over-flowing with the love that I felt in the gift of those cards. 

But then……Tricia proceeded to say something that my simple mind didn’t have a category for, and I didn’t even understand what she was saying at first.  She told me that the women, along with their cards, had given money, towards a gift for me. 

I simply cannot find the words to say how totally embarrassed I was that anyone would give in these difficult financial times towards a gift for me.  I certainly haven’t “earned” it, I certainly don’t “deserve” it, and I certainly can’t believe it.  I must have looked so silly in that moment because I truly did not understand what Tricia was trying to tell me.

Long story not so short, Tricia told me that there had been enough money to buy the club chairs that we had picked out when we had bought our sofa two years ago!  I KNOW!  What is up with that?

Well, after mumbling something (probably not at all intelligible), I headed back to my seat with the treasured box of cards in my hands.  As I sat down, I was engulfed in the hugs of the two women sitting on either side of me, and in that moment…….something broke.  I felt a love wash over me like a tidal wave and I “heard” the voice of the Lord speaking straight to the depths of my soul.

Now, there have been two times in my life that I clearly sensed God speaking straight to my heart in a way that was all but audible.  In both of those times, I can tell you word-for-word what God spoke to my spirit because it was so vivid, real, and true.  This time was no different; I remember word-for-word (it’s all but etched in my heart) what God said to me. 

I’m a little hesitant to share what I heard because, well, I’m sure God speaks to you all in grand and eloquent ways, and me?   Not so much. 

Anyway, as I sat enveloped in the hugs of those two women and overwhelmed with the love that those cards represented, as clearly as anything, I heard these words, “Gena, it’s time to put your big girl panties on and step over all those danged insecurities you have hidden behind for so long.”

Yep. That’s it.  That’s what I heard.  To be fair, I also heard, “You can do all I’ve called you to do, and you can trust in this love.” 

God gave me no grand discourse on His immutability, or why He sent his son, Jesus Christ, as propitiation for my sin, or His transcendent nature.  Nope.  None of that; just “Put your big girl panties on.” 

I don’t mean to be flippant at all about the reality of the Lord speaking to me.  I really don’t, but I simply can’t rephrase what I heard because that’s what I heard.

And you know how God has to say some things over and over for us to get it?  Well, believe it or not, I recently attended a one-day conference with two speakers, and both, BOTH, women used that exact same phrase at one point during the day in their talks.  I mean, what are the odds of that? 

Well, those words have come back to me over and over again since the retreat and I continue to pray that I can truly accept what He told me.  I desire to stay on the other side of my “danged” insecurities that I all to often willingly and fearfully hide behind.  I want to trust in the love of those God has so graciously and wonderfully placed in my life.  And, I want to feel free to release the deep, honest-to-goodness love that I have for others in our church.

Anyway, as I came home from the retreat to read all of those sweet and heartfelt cards, I was again amazed at the gifts God has given me in the women of our church.  I will always keep that box of cards, and I will reread them every so often (especially on days when I wonder if I can do anything right!).  I don’t deserve the love that was expressed in those cards, but you all gave it anyway.  Do you even know how humbling that is?

And on top of that most precious gift, you all gave me some chairs. CHAIRS!  I couldn’t believe it, and guess what?  They are here!  You all need to come over to see them and rest your little hienies in them!  I like them just as much as I did two years ago; they match our sofa so well! And when I sit in them, I am amazed at the gift of love that they represent to me.

Yes, it took me until the chairs got here to post this because I’ve been embarrassed at your overly gracious and generous gift.  I mean, how do you accept something like that?  And yet, I am afraid that my inability to say thank you earlier might have been seen as being ungrateful. That wasn’t it at all!  In fact, it was just the opposite; I was so grateful for the undeserved gift that I found it hard to accept.  Why you all would bless me that way, I don’t know, but I want to let you know how very much I appreciate the gift and the love in which it was given.  

So there you have it, a long overdue and heartfelt THANK YOU to you all who have dared to love me and bless me.  I can only pray that I will be faithful with those gifts and that I will turn around and pour those gifts out to others.  I love you and thank you with all that I am.

Women's Conference

I went to a conference yesterday with a friend of mine.  It was the "Gifted to Lead" conference and the two speakers, Nancy Beach and Nancy Ortberg, are women I highly respect and love listening to.  When I saw that they were the speakers, I signed up right away!

One great surprise was seeing our retreat speaker, Kathi Lipp, there.  We had a great little visit, and I thought I'd share with you her thoughts about the conference (since it makes this blog easier for me!  :-)

Quoted from her one of Kathi's emails:

The 8 Best Things I Heard at the Women in Leadership Conference

Posted: 22 Apr 2009 11:17 PM PDT

Today I spent a very long, but good day listening to Nancy Beach and Nancy Ortberg discussing the topic of women in leadership in the church. (And I know that many of you were there as well, as we had deep, deep discussions re: Steam Punk.)

I loved the day – not just because the two Nancys are so right on, but I got to spend some quality time with Jane Liddle (the Worship leader for one of Menlo Park Prez’s campus churches, and the leader of Tapestry – the rockin’ chick band) and Debbie McDonald, a cool chick pastor from Westgate church in San Jose.

Oh, women in leadership… I so wish that you all could have been there not only to listen to these two ladies who have been-there-done-that in the church, but to be in a room with maybe 300 women who love God and love to lead.

For those of you who were not able to be there – here is a list of the eight best things I heard at the conference.

1. Help! I am a leader trapped in a woman’s body.
2. Nobody ever calls little boys bossy.
3. We need to learn to wait well.  (Note from Gena: Nancy O. quoted from one of my all time favorite authors, Sue Monk Kidd, and her book, When the Heart Waits.  See, I knew I loved Nancy Ortberg!)
4. John Ortberg Re: Women serving in the church: “It is not an option for 50% of God’s kingdom to be sitting on the sidelines.”
5. Leaders need to be the most self-aware people in the room.
6. We want to keep making mistakes, just different ones.
7. Almost every issue is a team issue.
8. You don’t get the right answers unless you ask the right questions.

Time Out

I don't usually talk much about Dave's sermons because that seems a little self-indulgent and prideful, but I have to recommend that you listen to THIS MESSAGE.  One of the things about having a pastor as a husband is that I often think that my husband takes everything he'd like to say to me and turns it into a sermon, just for me!  See, on Sundays, Dave isn't speaking with you in mind, you just get to benefit from what I need to be learning in life!  ;-)  This isn't true, of course, but God does speak to me through what Dave teaches, and I need that.

Anyway, I was gone last weekend at the women's retreat (which was fabulous - thank you retreat team!), so I missed his sermon, but I knew it was one that I HAD to listen to.  I think it is sad that so many of us women missed this particular message because it's a good one!  Please take a few minutes to listen to THIS (titled "Time Out"), and take Dave's challenge to try this concept out for the next four weeks to see what happens.   

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Speechless

I still have no words after our women's retreat.  God spoke so greatly to my heart (in ways that I didn't even expect) and although it's been two days since we arrived home, I still haven't totally processed all that happened in and through all of us who were there.  All I know is that God is on the move, and we've only just begun to see the freedom and victory that is in store as we step out from fear to faith!  

And the unexpected and absolutely overwhelming gift and cards from all of the women there and in our church also leaves me speechless.  I was so confused and then so utterly swallowed in your love that I will never forget that moment.  As I went back to my seat to sit down, I was enveloped in the hugs of the two women sitting on either side of me, and all I can say is that, "Something broke" in me and God said some very specific words to my heart.   I don't feel free to share those thoughts on this blog yet, but let's just say, a message from God broke through all of my barriers in that moment!  There were tears. The good kind.

Upon arriving home, I spent hours reading the cards and then had to take some time to journal the feelings and thoughts swirling in my head and heart.   I am still feeling the love, ladies!  :-)  I have always said how blessed we are to be called to serve at New Life.  Yep!  I still feel that way.

YOU are all blessings to me and I can only pray that I will be a blessing to you, also.  That's what Traveling Together is all about.

"How do you do it?" cont.

I wanted to continue my thoughts in relation to the question asked of me a few months ago that I previously posted about.

My life may look perfect from a distance, and indeed, I am truly blessed. My prayer is that everyone that sees my life recognizes that any good in my life or in me comes from God, and I pray that they see Him and that HE is glorified.

While still in college, after I truly committed my life to the Lord at age 20, I began making decision after decision that brought me and my life into greater alignment with His Word (truly seeking to be faithful in the little things), and God has blessed my feeble attempts to live for Him. However, as a young believer, I went back and forth between the faith I wanted so desperately to have and the life I had been living for myself with all its chaos, destruction, and hopelessness. Heck, this is still a struggle for all of us sometimes, isn't it?

Anyway, what I am going to share next is not a cry for validation, sympathy, or help. God has redeemed every area that I am about to share with you. Through Christ, I have been forgiven of every sin and set free from everything that wanted to enslave me. And that is the reason I don't like it when someone thinks that I've lived or have a perfect life. I don't deserve to be on any pedestal, believe me, and just so you know, I've never climbed up on a pedestal because that's not where I want or deserve to be. :-)

As a child, I grew up in an alcoholic home, and I know the chaos, confusion, and pain that it causes. I am a child of divorce and understand being raised by a single mother (who did the best job EVER as a parent). She worked hard and sacrificed MUCH to keep us in our home and raise us alone. I was molested for years, and I didn't feel like I could set boundaries with others later in life because I was too scared to say "No." I actually didn’t even know I could say, “No.” I understand and know the devastation and power of secrets. I began drinking in high school and would drink because I didn't know what to do with my feelings and pain. I know what it's like to live life one way during the day, and another way at night. I understand depression and extreme self-condemnation. I have lived through betrayal and the pain and damage of emotional/verbal abuse from a man I thought I loved. I thank God for saving me from a life that would have caused me to be a divorced, single mom by now. I understand trying to sabotage a good and healthy relationship because I knew I didn't deserve it. I broke up with Dave while we were dating because I knew he deserved someone far better and holier than me. We struggled with infertility (I know with having four kids that no one probably believes that), and we lost our first baby through a miscarriage. I've made (and continue to make) mistakes as a wife and mother that have caused pain or hurt to my husband and children.

You may look at my life as you see it now and not know all the events that molded and created me to be the person I am today. Because of God's Word, His grace, hard work, counseling, prayer, and sometimes just the act of taking another step, these situations no longer have power over me, and the shame I carried for so long is gone. I have received grace and healing. I still struggle with some issues, especially when I haven't had enough sleep or I allow myself to get overly stressed, but I don't live with secrets anymore.

So you see, I sit in the front row on Sunday mornings with Dave simply as a woman who loves God and wants to live for Him. I don't do that perfectly, but I want to do it honestly. I'm sorry if there is something that I do that makes it seem like I'm not real, and regrettably I can't know everyone personally who calls New Life home, but that doesn't mean I don't want to know you. I would love for everyone to know the real me, and to also know and experience the hope and forgiveness that I have found in Jesus.

I am reminded of this verse from 1 Thes. 2:8 "We felt so strongly about you that we were determined to share with you not only the Good News of God but also our lives. That’s how dear you were to us!"

You are dear to me, even if I don’t know you well, so I will continue to endeavor to share my life with you, as I continue to hold out the hope of the Good News of Jesus Christ. No, I can't get up on Sunday morning each week to state who I am just so people won't have a wrong impression of me, but it's not about me anyway. I just want everyone to know that I am approachable and understanding. Don't shy away from me because you think I can't understand where you might be coming from, and especially don't judge yourself against who you think me to be. I am on this journey with you.

So this, then, is how I do "it." I keep going, trying to learn to relax more and more into His love, and to live authentically before God and man.

I thank you for being a part of my journey and ask you to continue traveling together with me.

Interesting Article

I just found this article, As an Athiest, I Truly Believe Africa Needs God, and I find it fascinating. If you have a few moments for an informative read, check it out.

Happy New Year

Hello, dear friends and Happy New Year to you all!

I am sitting near my window, watching the rain fall outside and it is so peaceful (even with six children in the house).  What a great way to start a new year; I love it!

My prayer is that 2009 holds greater revelations of who Christ is and deeper understanding of the love He has for us. May we experience and acknowledge His grace towards us and may we extend that grace to others.  May we hold on to the good and release anything that would cause bitterness or ill-feelings towards others.  May we choose the higher road in all relationships, releasing others from our judgment.  May we rest in the peace that He gives, and may we grow in His love.  

Today, I am directing you to one of my all-time favorite blogs, Holy Experience, to read the wisdom posted there.  As I begin a new year, I find myself thinking along these very same lines.  Perhaps Ann's words will resonate with you, also.

A Grief Revisited

I am always quick to share what a blessing, privilege, responsibility, and joy it is to be called to serve as pastors.  And I am so grateful for the grace-giving churches in which the Lord has allowed us to serve.  God is so good.

However, sometimes in ministry, there are roads that we are asked to walk alone.  (Loneliness is the number one issue pastor's and their wives say they struggle with.)  There are hard paths upon which the Lord allows us to walk so that we can truly experience the truth that HE is enough and HE understands, even though someone else may not.   There are lessons to be learned, fears to be faced,  character flaws to be recognized and acknowledged,  growth to be experienced, and truth, forgiveness, and grace to be learned in the process.  

I am not saying that all the paths we find ourselves on are God's will because we are sinful people living in a sinful world, and we simply cannot control what other people choose.  Sometimes in ministry, we simply find ourselves on a path that we do not want to be on.  However, I believe that God can redeem absolutely everything in our lives, and sometimes (probably most often) that redemption is a process that takes place over time, not in the blink of a tear-filled eye.

Today, circumstances allowed me to come face to face with a grief that I am unable to share.  It is a grief that I have experienced over a period of years, and although I have seen the Lord work greatly in me through this grief, it is still there.  Today's situation allowed the depth of that grief to again bubble up.  I don't think that's a bad thing, but it is a hard thing.  In fact, I would go so far as to say the circumstance today was a gift in an odd sort of way.  It was a gift to again acknowledge how much this "thing" meant to me.  I think grief is the truest expression of how much we have loved and maybe today, I just needed to be reminded of that love.

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Letting Go

In my last, "get-back-into-blogging" post, I stated the lines from Brad Paisley's song, "When I Get Where I'm Going," which say, "I will leave my heart wide open; I will love and have no fear." I was truthful when I said those lines are a prayerful desire for me.

Well, the following "poem," which is posted in my closet on our bulletin board, ends with an almost identical line. I never put the two together, but as I read this poem again today (which I do most days), it just stood out. Do you ever have that happen? You have an awareness of something, maybe you sense God telling you something, and then you see, experience, or hear the same message all over the place. It's almost as if God wants to make sure I get the message He's trying to speak to me and He knows I'm pretty dense so He goes overboard. Well, this morning, this poem was His voice, again reminding me that I am to love and have no fear.

Do you all seriously get how hard that is? I mean, think about it. Is there any relationship which you full-on love and have NO fear in? If we were all to be honest (which rarely ever happens), we'd all have to say, "No," to that question. Even if I love a person with everything I am (like my husband and kids), I still have a fear that I will lose them, or that they will stop loving me. And with God, I can love him with my whole heart, and yet still fear disappointing him by not fulfilling His purposes for me. I can love a friend, but I may fear saying the wrong thing in front of them or having them find out what my weaknesses are.

Anyway, notice the last line of this poem and may it strike a chord with you as it did with me. I invite you to join me on this journey of loving more and fearing less.

LETTING GO

To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for, but to care about.

To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny, but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

------ author unknown

Good stuff, huh? You may want to print this poem out and post it somewhere so that you can re-read it often. I think this poem embodies the notion of grace and truth working together.

As long I'm on this side of heaven, I can always grow in learning to love more and fear less.

My Heart Trusts in Him

There come those times in all of our lives when we need to step away from things for whatever reason. This past two months has been one of those times for me, and I have truly felt no prompting to write anything on my blog. In fact, deciding not to blog, although difficult at first, has become increasingly easier. And yet, I do not feel free to close this blog down. The problem becomes, "After so long of not blogging, how do I step back in? Are explanations needed? Do I try to catch everyone up on what's happened the last two months? Is there anyone still checking in? Lord, am I released from posting on this blog yet? Where do I start?"

Questions, questions, questions! And I am quite sure that I don't have the answers for all of them, which is not unusual for me. I find that as I grow in the Lord, however, I am increasingly more comfortable with questions; everything does not have to be tied up in neat little bows. And that brings me to the last two months. There is no way to summarize and share what these last two months were about in uniform little boxes with bows. It's not that tidy. And you know what? That's okay.

There's a comment I get every now and again that I'd like to address. Sometimes, someone will tell me that they have been reading my blog, and then they add something like, "I would never want to have everybody knowing what I am doing," or "I just can't be that public about my life."  I can understand where these individuals are coming from; I have had those same thoughts myself, and I feel that way many, many times. I started blogging for some very specific reasons (you can read that post HERE), and then I stopped posting on my blog for some very specific reasons.

I want to state for the record that on my blog I only share what I feel is safe for me to share in such a public forum. Yes, I share from my personal life, but not if I feel it is something that will violate myself or my husband or my children. I think about everything I post, and there is PLENTY (in fact, LOTS) that I don't (and won't) post about my life. There are precious and sacred moments that would lose their meaning if they were shared with whoever decides to stop on over at this blog. There are conversations and situations with friends and people in the church that are confidential.  There are treasured memories and special times that I would not want some people reading about. I mean think about it, old high school friends, former co-workers, college acquaintances, previous boyfriends, people who have left the church, people who don't like me, my family (wink), and any ol' body in the world could stop by here anytime, so I don't post anything that I wouldn't want any of them to know. So....if it's posted here, I have made a conscious and prayerful decision that it was okay to share what is posted.  And....although it is easy to live a closed life, I feel God is calling us to a harder (and much more rewarding) path of living open and authentic lives.  I know I've shared this before, but some lines from a country song have become a prayerful desire - "I will leave my heart wide open; I will love and have no fear."  

With that being said, I am choosing to share that the past two months have been a struggle for me for various reasons. As I've pondered how to step back into posting on this blog, I feel I am able to share that I have been struggling with depression. (That's not unusual for a melancholy person like myself.)  I don't feel compelled to share more specifics about that, but I know that many, many women have struggled with exactly the same thing, and yet we will all keep doing what we do and we feel like we're the only one slogging through foggy days of disengagement, sadness, feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. Much of my struggle had to do with the expectations I had placed upon myself, and I felt the Lord speak to my heart that it was okay to step back and be quiet for a little while.   

And so, here I find myself two months later, gingerly stepping out, trying to live with my heart wide open.  I am tempted to pull it all back in and take the easy way out (I'd feel much less vulnerable that way - smiley face), but as I said, God is calling me to the much harder path of living with an open heart.  My heart is again open to posting on this blog until such time as the Lord makes it clear that I am to give it up.  I will not be pressured by my own expectations of perpetual posting of perfectly polished pieces (alliteration gone wild!).  I will simply continue to be myself, and if anyone reads or not, I will obey what I feel the Lord is calling me to.  

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. Psalms 28:7 (NIV)  

I am so grateful today.

Final Bullet Points on Being Easily Offended - Finally!

Okay, I now know that I don't post often enough to do anything in a series.  I started doing some bullet points on being easily offended, first HERE, then HERE, and finally HERE.  Now it's been so long that I'm sure no one really cares, but I feel the need to at least finish my thoughts.  If you'll remember, this topic tumbled around in my brain after a conversation with someone who has a friend who seems to be easily offended.

Let's start off with somewhat of a companion subject:  People with chips on their shoulders.  We all know what that means; a person has some sensitive issue or circumstance that is an instant sore point so it causes them to feel angry (0ffended) when that issue/circumstance comes up or someone unknowingly says the wrong thing.  They seem to just be waiting for someone (in his/her ignorance of said issue) to say or do the wrong thing so that they can zing them with their sarcastic or stinging barb or they will instead not say anything, but carry that hurt/offense with them.  Why are they so sensitive about the issue in the first place?  I think many times it because that issue hasn't been settled between them and God. 

Listen, if someone is talking with you and they have no past knowledge of an issue or circumstance that you carry around, you need to grow up and show grace.  That doesn't mean that you can't in love state that the comment or situation was difficult for you because of this or that, but it does mean that you begin to let people off the hook and to show them grace, respect and love. 

Everyone in the world is NOT responsible to know your issue(s).  Don't take everything so personally.  IT ISN'T ALL ABOUT YOU!  And truthfully, most people are not out to do or say things that they think will hurt you; they honestly don't know that you are sensitive about that issue and would feel terrible if they knew they were saying/doing something hurtful to you.   

Okay, back to bullet points.  Last post, I said we have two choices: First, we can choose to hold on to our hurt (offended) feelings (our human nature response talked about in the last post), or secondly (and preferably) we can offer those feelings up to Jesus.  Today, we'll look at the second choice - letting people off the hook and surrendering our hurt to Jesus.

• I think Jesus is calling us to grow up in our knowledge of, and obedience to, Him. 
• When we choose to hold and cherish our hurt, we are choosing to not hold and cherish Him.  That may sound harsh, but it is truth.  
• Jesus had lots of things happen that could have offended him: his friends fell asleep, Peter denied him, Judas betrayed him, his family didn’t understand him, and people lied about him and most assuredly talked behind his back.  Did He hold on to those things, or did He hold on to His father?  I hope you know the answer to that; He did the will of His father which was to forgive them, and He trusted that God would have the final say.
• When someone does something that offends you, don’t think about what they’ve done to you, think about what they’ve just done to themselves. God is our avenger; he is in control. Why do we give that control to other people?  We can let them off the hook, and in the process free ourselves from the offending person/situation trusting that God will have the final word, even if we don't see it this side of heaven.
• Sometimes we’re offended because we’ve given something to someone and when they don’t give or do back to us, we're offended.  That means we were giving/serving selfishly in the first place. When we do something for someone, we need to do it as unto the Lord knowing that our reward will come from Him.  
• Instead of being offended, we need to be more concerned with whether we’ve offended God or other people. 
• When we allow ourselves to be easily offended, we’re just following our feelings and not the word of God.
• We have to just make a decision that we are not going to be easily offended. This is a central mark of spiritual maturity. 
• We don't have to be easily offended, living in strife, anger, and resentment.  We can choose to live in peace.  When stated that way, it seems like an easy choice, doesn't it?

I have lived through some very hurtful situations, as I know all of you have.  I have wasted many hours being hurt or offended because I choose to keep my eyes on myself, wrongly thinking it is all about me.  And.....I know there will be situations in the future (probably as early as tomorrow morning) when I will be faced again with the choice to be hold on to a hurt or offense or to let it roll off of my shoulders onto the shoulders of Christ.  He alone can sympathize with my hurt, carry my hurt, avenge my hurt, and replace my hurt with His peace and grace.  And once I have grown in grace, He is calling and commanding me to extend that grace to others.  

I invite you to join me in a quest to grow up into the people God desires us to be. It will be difficult at times, but the end result is so worth it. Remember, we are all on this journey together, and we need to support one another as we travel. Having an easily offended spirit hinders and cripples us in our spiritual journey and keeps us from being in close relationship with others.

If you have a friend who seems to be easily offended, you may need to (in love and after much prayer) approach your friend with your concern in all gentleness. If you truly love your friend, you desire the best for him/her, and helping them grow in this area will be helping them to grow in the Lord. But I caution you, don't do this unless you first ask God to search your heart and you are willing to look at any planks in your own eye before attempting to share your concern over the speck in your brother or sister's eye.

I encourage you to read Ephesians 4 which talks about unity and maturity in the body of Christ, telling us how we should live.  Good stuff.  Hard stuff.  Let's all work at growing up!

Continued Bullet Points on Offenses

• It's time to get back to our bullet points on the subject of being offended and offenses.  If you missed the first two posts, you can go here first and then here.
• When we are offended, we have two choices.  We can hold on to it and cherish it, or we can surrender it up to Jesus.
• We humans have a great ability to hold on to our hurt feelings.  Again, when we've been offended, our human response is to cry, "What about me?!"  "I can't believe they did that!"  "They'll pay for that!"  Remember, those are our human nature responses; through Jesus Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit, we can choose different responses.  These will be discussed in a future post.
• When offended, our human nature wants to either have the person who offended us apologize or pay for what they did.  
• Often times, a person doesn't even realize that something they did was offensive to us, so it never enters their mind to apologize.  They probably won't realize we were offended until the next time they see us and we decide to make them pay.  Then, they are oblivious as to why we are treating them with such disdain, anger, rudeness, or coldness.
• Sometimes, when people feel someone is treating them in the above manner (coldness, with disdain, etc...)  they may even say, "Have I done something to offend you?"  Many times, we (the easily offended party) will not use this opportunity to speak the truth in a loving way so that the air can be cleared.  Instead, we often say, "No."  And then....we get mad when they can't read our minds and apologize for the situation/words/actions that caused our hurt feelings.
• We often walk around keeping an offense ever before us.....waiting for the other person to pay.  If they don't know they've offended us, they are oblivious to the torture we are putting ourselves through.  Don't you see?  They are free, and we, who are offended, are bound to the offensive situation and person.  We let the offense grow in our minds and in our hearts by continuing to feed those thoughts.  Those thoughts then grow to bitterness, anger, and hatred, and pretty soon, we feel that we have so much invested in the situation that we can't seem to get over it.
• The above are what happens when we are offended and choose to hold on to that offense. However, there is another option (surrendering it to Jesus), and we'll have some more bullet points on that later.
  
• Having our feelings hurt all the time should be an indicator to us that we are not spiritually mature.  God wants us to grow up in the areas that we are immature in.  Remember that saying, "God accepts us where we are, but He loves us too much to leave us there."  There is a better way!

Continuing Thoughts

Okay, just for the record, it's just not fun being sick in the summer. I've had a headache and felt nauseated and lethargic for a couple of days; I think it might be this awful valley air, but.......enough whining already! We're headed out to a swim meet invitational today, so I thought I'd post another few bullet points on the subject of being easily offended before I leave.

• The Webster's Collegiate Dictionary says that to offend means "to cause hurt feelings or deep resentment. Offend need not imply an intentional hurting, but it may indicate merely a violation of the victim's sense of what is proper or fitting."
  
• Most of the time when we say we are offended, we mean that someone has done or said something that has hurt or annoyed us and that has caused us to feel angry.
  
• Many times people who are easily offended want to hold a grudge against the person they feel offended them, whether or not the offense was intentional. Do you see where this can get tricky? Someone may genuinely not know that he/she has done something that as offended you, and yet you may hold something in your heart against that person.
  
• I don't know about you, but if I am around someone who is easily offended and who always seems to have something going on with this or that person, it does a couple of things in me. First, it makes me feel that I should be careful around that person, therefore, inhibiting trust in that relationship. Secondly, it makes me wonder what is it in that person causes them to always be offended. Also, a relationship with a person who is easily offended begins to feel like it takes too much work because you always have to be careful of everything you do or say because that person may take it the wrong way. These are relationships in which people feel they have to walk on eggshells, so to speak, and those types of relationships aren't real because too much time is spent on being careful not to say or do the wrong thing.
  
• Being offended and being "easily" offended are two separate things. 
  
• When basing our lives on the truth of God's word, there are things that will (and should) offend us, but being "easily" offended usually results from our sense of selfishness, insecurity, shame, low self-esteem, believing the worst about another (making negative assumptions), and being negative in general. 
  
• Easily offended people are usually critical people.
  
• When we allow ourselves to be easily offended, we are really saying, "What about me? What about ME?"
  
• Years ago, when hurt by someone very close to me, I wrote this in all capital letters in my journal: "BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?!!!" After venting my anger writing that screaming phrase, in my spirit I heard this gentle rebuke and wrote it down: "Gena, when you gave yourself to me, you gave up all rights to yourself." Yes, God called me up short on that one! What my feelings had really been saying was, "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!" God allowed that hurt so that I would begin to grow up in that area.
  

That's all I've got time for this morning. I hope it makes sense; I'm not usually up and typing this early in the morning!  I have some more thoughts on being easily offended to come.  Have a great one!  :-)

Food for Thought

Every saint has a past; every sinner has a future.

Amen and amen!